This will be my good bye.  Although I dont think anyone reads this anymore.  I am going to get a new site, new beginning.  In order for me to succeed I need support, even through my toughest times.  I am not going to sit here everyday and get zero support when this is a joint cause.  I will be getting a new xanga so I will hope t see some of you soon.  Good luck Girls

Damn I got a rough 3 hours of sleep last night.  I just couldn't sleep.  I had such a long day yesterday to.  I finished moving my stuff into the house.  I feel like shit though.  I wanna eat alot right now.  I am able to resist but I really keep thinking about food.  UGH gross.  This morning my mom woke me up with "you need to put some meaton those bones" cuz she found me curled up in a ball half sleeping and shivering under my comforter.  I hate this.  My bestfriend doesn't give to shits about me.  I find out from a third party she is moving into an apartment on the 4th.  WTF?  News to me.  Thanks for keepin in touch "BFF".  Sorry for my pessimism.  I am just so pissy right now.  My sis wants to hang out but I have to go back to my old house to vacuum and finish cleaning up.  Also my cell phone might be getting shut off b/c my ex "lost his wallet" and can't pay the $100 on our $160 bill (he went over his minutes and racked up an additional $40).  I want to die.  I am so tired of smiling and doing this little happy charade.  There is no point.  I just want to starve and be alone.

INTAKE

Sun Chips       140

egg              69

1 hndfl popcorn  65

Lunch (chicken) 230

Monster Energy (LC) 20

TOTAL             524 YUCK   

Currently Reading Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia (P.S.) By Marya Hornbacher see related

First of all I would like to thank all of you for your support on Friday.  I was having a really tough time.  My coworker and I went downstairs during her lunch break and I smoked a bowl.  I rarely smoke so I was pretty stoned.  Being stoned at work--all I have to say about that is WOW. 

Ito much/to busy.  I don't really associate with many people.  I am irritable and I prefer to be alone.  But when I am alone I want to be with someone.  UGH I am confused.  Anyways tonight I am moving out for good.  Most of my stuff is already at my parents but we need to get me matress/dresser/ and remainder of bedding.  I packed all weekend I don't feel like doing what I have to do t don't know why but I am chronically sad and depressed.  I think it may be a combination of not eating/drinking all night.  Kill me. Well now that I will be at my parents at least the drinking will cease, but the only benefit I see out of that is better sleep and less calories.  Bad part is my mom will hound me more about my weight.  Well I am off to check your updates now!  Luv yas!

I am sitting at my desk right now with tears streaming down my face.  I've already gone to the bathroom to cry.  The fucked up thing is I don't fully understand why I am crying.  Basically I feel like everyone at the bar I hang out at hates me.  ALso my best friend and I are drifting apart and she has so many other friends and I have so few.  I really need to be proffessional and stop this childish crying but I can't. I honestly just want to die.  Thats the extent of this.  I don't want to live.  I freaked out theis morning bc I thought I gained weight  (scale said 129) So then I strip down and take off my heavy pants and voila! back to 126.  Still not small enough though.   Sadly I am still crying and I can't stop, much less I don't want to stop crying.  I hate myself.  Why the fuck am I so fucked up?  The other night my room mate calls me an anorexic alchoholic bitch.  I came back with that she is a compulsive overeating bitch with a stick up her ass.  I have work I should be doing right now but right now it doesn't appeal to me.  I am just so sad.